By the time I was 12 years of age I was hooked on pornography.
I remember as a young boy, probably 6 or 7, playing in my grandparents back yard. I was making 'dirt bombs'. Dirt bombs or 'dirt ronnies' are when you grab fist fulls of hard dirt to throw at someone. The Harder the better. Me and my brother would spend hours out there mucking around throwing dirt ronnies and climbing Nan's TV tower. I remember very distinctly stumbling into my Pops shed and finding a center fold of a naked woman. I was completely captivated by it, it was beautiful and yet something in me knew I shouldn't be looking at it. Every time I'd come back to Nan & Pop's house I'd go back to that picture and stare at it.
About the age of 13 I had a good size stack of porn hidden under my bottom drawer. My best mate and I would steal them from newspaper shops and collect them. One day my Dad brought home this do-it-yourself carpet cleaning kit thing and so everything had to be lifted up off the floor to be cleaned (you know where this is going). Dad found my stash of porn under my bottom drawer which I had thought was an impenetrable hiding place. Dad came outside and said "nice collection of playboy's and penthouses you got there Matt, just don't let your mother find out." Now God bless my Dad, he's a good man and looking back I can see that he was trying to relate to me, trying to be nice. What he did though, was reaffirm the lie I'd been believing that real men look at porn and that there was nothing wrong with that.
At this time in my life I had a Granddad who hid porn in his shed, a Father who almost congratulated me for having my own stash, a grade 8 teacher who told us on a school camping trip that masturbation was "a good and healthy thing" and to top it off I had my best friends Mum who would take us to video stores and hire porn for us so me and my friend could go back to his house and watch them after dinner.
It got to the stage where I was masturbating and looking at pornography basically everyday (thanks to the internet), and the further and further I sunk in my addiction the more defensive I got towards the notion that porn was in anyway "bad" or "degrading". I'd tell myself that I just liked the beauty of womanhood more than guys that never looked at it. I told myself I wasn't hurting anyone. I said whatever I could to justify it.
In the year 2000 when I was 17 I had a life changing experience and became a Christian. This was the most profound and joy filled moment of my life. It also posed a problem. No matter how much I tried to justify my porn addiction the reality was and is that porn and Jesus don't go together, kind of like chewing gum and chips or toothpaste and orange juice. So I tried with all my might to stop. But like a alcoholic or a junkie I kept relapsing and going back to it like a dog goes back to lick up its vomit.
I knew that this wasn't the kind of man I wanted to become. What kind of man closes the curtains in his room and clicks around on the internet with his pants around his ankles all for the sake of tingly feelings in his groin. I knew this was a counterfeit of manhood and prayed constantly that I would be free. Over the course of the next few years I continued to struggle. Sometimes I'd go days, sometimes weeks, sometimes even months without looking at porn or masturbating. But those times of freedom were book ended by another hopeless fall.
Allow me to cut a very long story short.
One night while my beautiful pregnant wife was out I had had enough. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sick of trying so hard not to fall when it seemed only to make it worse. My first child was about to be born in 7 months and I KNEW this had to end. But how?
I saw a statue of Venerable Matt Talbot who is on his way to sainthood. In his life became addicted to alcohol at around the age of 12, he would even come home at times without a shirt or his only pair of boots because he had sold them for alcohol. This man and I were in a very similar situation for he too was sick of what his addiction was doing to him. I read how he went to a church and took a pledge for 3 months that not one drop would touch his lips, it was hard but he made it and then took the pledge for a year and finally for life. He fell in love with Jesus in the Eucharist. He considered himself a slave of Mary (don't be afraid of the language, I'll explain).
This statue I saw had a Celtic cross with a chain that ran around the border, in front of the cross was the Mother of Jesus who had the chains across her chest and in front of Our Lady was Matthew Talbot, on his knees, the chains around his wrists were broken and he was set free! From that day forward I to took a pledge for 3 months that I would not look at porn or masturbate, after the 3 months I took it for life.
I have prayed the rosary daily understanding that I could not overcome my addiction by will power. At the end of each rosary I hold up the beads in my hands and say "Mother Mary, I have taken up your chain, now take off myne!" What can I say? She has!! I am now experiencing a freedom from this I never knew possible. I figured that if I ever overcame porn than I'd still be severely tempted but would be strong enough to resist.
You want to know the reason I no longer look at pornography or masturbate anymore? I have NO DESIRE to. FREEDOM is POSSIBLE! I am not a man with any sort of super human self control but I am free.
We have to understand that women are beautiful, the most beautiful creatures on earth, it is good and holy for us men to be attracted to them! Even now as I drive down the road, if there is a billboard of a beautiful woman it turns my head! This is okay but we need to make a decision at that point. Do we praise God for her beauty or do we lust? The problem with Porn isn't that it shows too much, it's that it shows too little! Too little of the person! This is the problem! Women are beautiful, the naked body is BEAUTIFUL but divorcing the body from everything else is completely unhealthy in every respect. Looking back now I see that those women I looked at in the porn may as well have been dead for all I cared, because I was only after the body!
I know firsthand how addictive pornography can be, but I also know that true freedom and healing are possible.
Don't fall into the trap of saying that very foolish thing people say about porn, "Hey, everything is fine in moderation". No it's not. I can give you a few examples of things that are very much NOT okay in moderation: Racism, cocaine, suicide, prejudice. While alcohol is a blessing from God so long as we do not abuse it. Pornography is always wrong because someone is always being exploited. So while yes, pornography can become an "addiction" where it over runs your life. This does not mean that it is healthy in moderation.
Source: http://www.whodoesithurt.com/id12.html
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This may be the statue that Matthew is referring to in his story.hiT& A
A 12-Ste
